Personal Experience: "Buy Me a New One", Said I

In this post I want to share a personal experience with some friends in my childhood. For some period of time in my childhood I had the problem of not being able to say "No!". And the friends that I had at the time took advantage of that as far as they could.

Of course the story does not cover every aspect of the friendship, but it does shade some light on how things were going in general. So one of the things that used to piss me off is that they would borrow stuff and never return them back. They would borrow something and promise to return it next week. A week turns into weeks, and weeks turn into months, and then they would mysteriously lose the item. And things have been like that for a few years.

At some point, I decided that enough is enough, and that things need to change. So, I stopped lending them stuff. Everytime they ask for something, I would just refuse to give it to them. However, one of my friends decided to be persistent one time. He wanted to borrow a cassette from my cassette collection, and he just won't take no for an answer. So, I finally gave it to him on the condition that he returns it a week later. A week passed and he did not return the cassette yet, so I decided to keep nagging him until he returns it. So, everytime we meet I would ask him to return the cassette, and he'd say he's not done with it, he needs another week. Same old way that it used to be. And as usual after like two months he apologizes and tells me that he lost the cassette and couldn't find it.

Of course, this was something very predictable and I had my comeback prepared. So I told him: "Okay, no problem, it happens... People lose stuff sometimes... Buy me a new one!". I could see it in his eyes, he didn't see that one coming!! I instantly went back home, and told him that next time I see him, he must have the replacement cassette. And from that day on, everytime my friends would call and ask me to play, I tell them that I won't do it until I get my cassette back.

Few weeks later, my friends decided to make some kind of intervention. They told me that they wanted to talk to me in a very urgent and persistent fashion. Basically the whole group was there to discuss why I don't go out with them anymore. I explained to them the situation, and told them that the only way that the situation could be resolved is by giving me a replacement cassette. I told them that I don't care who gets me the cassette, even if the guy who lost it refuses to buy a new one, any one of them can buy me a new one and the situation would be resolved. No-one volunteered to do that, although it was a reasonable demand since each one of them has on multiple occasions borrowed something from me and never returned it back.

Instead they apologized and made every possible accusation or argument so as not to do that. Some took the moral high-ground and claimed that ending a friendship over a cassette is wrong, because friendship transcends material possessions. Others complained that it is unfair that I punish them for someone else's mistake. Some said I am overreacting. In short, they were all ready to do anything and everything to keep the friendship, except buy me a replacement cassette!!

Needless to say, I never got my cassette back, and I never played or hung out with them ever again.

The moral of the story is not to stand up for yourself. Of course, you should stand up for yourself. And I did that, and I am happy I did. But that's not why I am telling this story. The thing is that I was not always someone who couldn't say no. Certainly not when I met those guys. Quite the opposite I used to be someone who almost never shared anything, or give anyone anything. Our friendship was not always about me being an over-sharer, at least that's not how it started.

The problem is that when I became an over-sharing person, the friendship itself changed. What started out as healthy friendship of fun and games, transformed into a bottomless desire to take and never give back. They became so used to the fact that they can take stuff and never give them back, to the point that this became something they take for granted. It became an unchangeable aspect of the friendship.

So, the point is: Be nice and generous to people, but not to the point that your niceness or generosity is the only reason they are with you. And if you see some unacceptable behavior in your relationship, deal with it promptly before it becomes a habit that is difficult to break.

PS: Inspired by this entry

The Untold Love Stories

One of my favorite songs ever, in full this time! [MP3 Download]

Matchbox 20 in "Hand me down":

Someday they'll find your small town world
On a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk
When they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell
Cuz they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie
Better than the truth
They'll tell you everything
You wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think that they would lie
When they're holding you
Then you wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You'll start to wonder
If you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think
You were born blind

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah

Oh no, no, no

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake you down to the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Lay them down on me
You're just one more hand me down
And all those nights don't give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
On me (mp3)

Take a Pill in a Lonely World

Limp Bizkit in "Lonely World":

Another day another night inside a lonely world
Another game another fight inside a lonely world
Another wrong another right inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world, such a lonely world

No matter how hard i can try inside a lonely world
No one can hear me when i cry inside a lonely world
I'll never know the reasons why inside a lonely world
Such a lonely world (such a lonely world) (Full lyrics)

It is amazing how in a connected world full of people, you can still feel lonely. You could be not alone, be in a place with a hundred other people, yet you can feel lonely; You know the feeling?!

When people so consumed by the day-to-day activities and in a rush they don't bother to look beneath the surface...

Limp Bizkit in the same song:

Still i never want it all, and i never want it now
I just want to cruise, if i loose then i'll figure it out

Take a pill! Take a hike! Do whatever, just chill out and look around!

Could Love Be a Sexual Orientation?

During some of my curious thoughts, I stumbled across what might be a mysterious question. I think that some people might be confused by the question to the point of dismissing the question as meaningless. However, it is a question that I personally find legitimate.

Could love be a sexual orientation? To elaborate, regularly people love a subset of those who they are sexually attracted to. For example, a straight man would find it difficult to fall in love with another man, simply because they are not sexually attracted to men. Same logic applies to all monosexual people (ie. heterosexual/homosexual). In this case, we find that sexual attraction or orientation is independent of love. On the other hand, love seems to be conditioned and controlled by sexual orientation. Simply put, sexual orientation leads and love follows.

The question is: Is this something that is definite for all human beings?! Is conceivable that at least for some people love leads and sexual attraction/orientation follows?!

Actually, my question is far more complicated than that, but because I cannot put words to explain my thoughts I'll leave it at this; Maybe I'll elaborate when I sort out my thoughts on the topic. The very thought of this question caused me lots of confusion!!

Just to avoid any possible confusion, this post does not address bisexuality. For the case of bisexual people, they have a sexual attraction to both sexes, which enables them to love people of both sexes. However, for the purposes of this post -and as far as I understand bisexuality- love is still in a very real sense conditioned by sexual orientation in that case.

Update: Looking around the internet, I found the type of sexuality that mostly resembles what I had in mind when I made this post. It is called Demisexuality. It does not exactly reflect my idea, but it's very similar in many aspects.

Demisexuality is considered to fall under the general category of asexuality. Demisexuals don't feel sexual attraction to people of either sex, until they form a strong emotional connection with them. However, what I have in mind generally falls under sexuality, rather than asexuality. However, the turn-ons and turn-offs are more controlled by personality cues, rather than physical appearance cues.

One True Religion

Going Deep With KassemG

This is the most hilarious thing I ever found on YouTube! This guy called Kassem G. who is apparently a comedian does interviews with porn stars. The interviews are made with a tongue-in-cheek style, very hilarious!

These are some videos that I found:
CHERRY FERRETTI GOES DEEP
EVA ELLINGTON GOES DEEP
VIOLET MONROE GOES DEEP
DANA DeARMOND GOES DEEP
KIMBER JAMES GOES DEEP
STELLA MARIE GOES DEEP
FAYE & DANE GO DEEP
GOING DEEP: The Lost Episodes

I have to say, I love their ending where they make a sexual pun... I guess I am a punaholic!! And also don't forget to check the extras...

Practical Advice on Interpersonal Relationships

In the past, I have addressed interpersonal relationships from a theoretical standpoint. While I consider the theory of relationships to be extremely important, yet the practice of relationships is equally as important. Theoretical understanding of relationships is not complete without a practical approach that allows the theory to become reality.

This entry is part of the general theme of posts addressing open-relationships. However, the advice applies just as well for closed-relationships as it applies to open-relationships. The reason that open-relationships are not common is because people find it difficult to handle relationships effectively, and the open nature of open-relationships would put lots of stress on any shortcomings in the way relationships are being handled. Closed-relationships avoid the types of situations that would bring problems in a relationship to the surface, and downplays the significance of trust, communication, honesty, and openness. On the other hand, open-relationships require lots of trust, communication, honesty, and openness, and any shortcomings in those areas would quickly cause problems and stress in the relationship. And if those issues were not handled promptly and skillfully, the relationship would deteriorate. It is for this reason I am writing this entry to share my insights about handling such issues in practice.

The basic guidelines to the survival of relationships includes five important tenets: 1- Being realistic and grounded 2- Being attentive and appreciative 3- Openness 4- Verbal communication 5- Honesty

Allow me to elaborate on those five general guidelines:

1- Being realistic and grounded:
It is important to be in touch with reality and being able to do reality checks. Having unrealistic expectations in a relationship can cause lots of problems and stress in a relationship. Any demands or expectations should be reasonable, otherwise your partner might feel overwhelmed or unappreciated. Another aspect of this advice is being able to translate what is "intangible" into something "tangible". Relationships deal with intangible issues, and being able to translate something that is intangible into something tangible would make handling such issues much easier, and allows you to make realistic claims.

For example, how do you know that someone is interested in you? They would talk to you, pay attention to what you are saying, ask questions that allows them to know you better, return your calls. How do you know that someone misses you? They would call if some time passed without seeing you. What makes a friendship? Investing time and effort in the continuity of the relationship and making it progress and develop over time.

The point being, those associations between behaviors and what those behaviors imply create a solid foundation on which intangible claims can be verifiable. This is the foundation on which trust is established. If those associations are available to you, then next time someone makes a claim you have something to indicate whether that claim is true or not. If someone says something like: I missed you, I am your friend, I love you, ...etc you have something to refer to, and attempt to qualify the claim. You don't need to take the person's word for what they claim, but rather have an apparatus to gauge how much the claim is real. And when those claims are revealed to be backed up by behaviors that support those claims, trust can start to grow.

So what every person needs to do is to think hard and deep about reliable indicators of people's intentions, and create a mental apparatus that allows them to reliably associate behaviors with intentions, feelings, attitudes, and all of the intangible values that are important in a relationship. The person needs to have this powerful tool present in their mind so that they can use it when needed.

2- Being attentive and appreciative:
Once a person has the mental apparatus mentioned above available to them, they need to use it. They need to pay attention to the different behaviors that their partner exhibits, and try to make educated guesses about their partner. They also need to be responsive to those behaviors. For example, if someone's behavior indicates that they are interested in you, do something that shows them that you noticed their interest in you, and let them know you are interested as well. If someone's behavior indicates that they want to become good friends, acknowledge them and try to engage in friendship building activities.

In other words, be aware of what is going on in the relationship, and let the person know that you are aware of the efforts that they put in the relationship. You also need to use the behavioral association technique in both directions. That is to say, not only should you use it to attempt to interpret your partner's intentions, but also use it to show your partner your intentions towards them. If, for example, you want to show your partner that you want to establish a friendship, use the same behavioral patterns to give your partner tangible indicators about your intentions.

3,4- Openness and Verbal Communication:
When you notice an indicative behavior it is not enough to respond in a behavioral manner, a verbal response is also important. So when you see any behavior that resonate in your mind, it is a good practice to verbally let your partner know that you noticed their behavior and appreciate its significance. It is also important to let your partner know how their tangible actions translate into intangible intentionality. For example, when your partner calls after having not seen him/her in a while, it is good to say something like: "Thank you for calling because this lets me know that you are thinking of me!" This form of communication shows that you appreciate the action, and also explains why the action is significant. Moreover, it shows your partner the mental process using which you interpret their behaviors. This allows your partner to make a mental note of the behavioral associations that exist in your mind, and gives them an idea of how you interpret them and their behaviors.

It is important to let your partner know the behavioral connotations that you have. Both positive and negative connotations. So, if your partner behaves in a way that has positive connotations to you, let them know about it. Same applies when your partner behaves in a way that you perceive to have negative connotations. For example, if your partner makes an important decision without consulting you, it is a good idea to say something like: "I feel that being excluded in the decision making process on this issue indicates that you put your needs ahead of mine! This is why your behavior makes me feel neglected!" Or, if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as they used to, you can say something like: "The time we spend together is the most important resource for the continuity of the relationship. I feel that if we don't spend more time together the relationship would deteriorate."

When communicating with your partner, it is important to address feelings, emotions, desires, and perceptions. This is because those intangibles are the heart of the relationship, and they are what matters the most. However, those discussions need to be grounded, tangible, and accessible in order to be effective. Otherwise, frustration, disappointment, and even resentment might enter the equation. For example, if one partner says to the other: "I feel that you don't love me anymore!" This statement describes some feelings, however, it does not provide justification for those feelings, nor does it provide any indication of how the situation can be resolved. In this case, the accused partner will feel frustration because they would think: "How the hell am I supposed to show or prove that I still love him/her?!" This is because emotions are intangible, and in the absence of a method to ground those emotions to something tangible the situation would be difficult to resolve. Another possibility is that the accused partner would feel unappreciated because they might think: "I did 1,2,3... I cannot believe he/she does not acknowledge my contribution to the relationship!" And those feelings of being unappreciated might escalate to feelings of resentment. A third possibility is that the accused partner would address the issue and modify his/her behavior. However, this third possibility runs the risk that the behavioral changes do not match what the accuser had in mind, leading to disappointment to be experienced by both partners because they could not resolve the situation.

People do not always agree on the significance of actions, and what those actions indicate. Other times people are not aware of their behaviors and how others interpret and react to their actions. It is for those reasons that it is important for partners discuss in an open and clear manner their expectations and perceptions and voice out their concerns. They also need to discuss the why and how those behavioral associations came to be, because when partners don't agree on what actions translate to, they need to address the mental process using which the translation is justified.

5- Honesty:
Honesty is the basis of intimacy and trust. Sharing information about oneself is how intimacy is cultivated. Getting to know one another creates familiarity and understanding. It is also the process through which trust is founded. Being honest all the time is a difficult task, and requires lots of practice until you can master this essential skill. However, as long as the people in the relationship do not engage in this practice, the relationship cannot grow and will get stuck at some level without any possibility of improvement.

The most difficult part of honesty is knowing the truth. If you do not know the truth, you cannot possibly tell anyone the truth, simply because you cannot speak of what does not exist in your mind. It is for this reason, the first step of honesty is being self-aware. Ask yourself difficult questions, and don't feel threatened by your own thoughts. After all, your thoughts are private and no one can read your thoughts. So, the first step is being honest with oneself. After you understand the truth, you should be aware of your lies. It is difficult to be honest right away, but it is important that you be aware of the information that you reveal about yourself and the accuracy of those information. The third step is to devise proper circumstances to disclose the truth. Understand why you feel the need to lie about yourself to others, then make sure that you are comfortable with who you are, then disclose information about yourself to people you feel comfortable with in non-threatening situations. Finally, after having practiced disclosing information about yourself in comfortable circumstances, you should be able to move to the final stage of disclosing the truth under all circumstances.

Honesty can dramatically improve the quality of relationships, so it would payoff to establish honesty as a norm in all of your intimate relationships. It is important to note that honesty does not only imply telling the truth, but also volunteering the truth. Lies of omission or simply not stating something because nobody asked about it is a form of dishonesty. Honesty involves desire to disclose information, not only truthfulness of disclosed information.

Cryptic Entries

Stone Sour in "Bother":

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries (Full lyrics)