Saturday, June 19, 2010

No Giving Up on Open-Relationships

This entry is an addendum to a previous post: The Most Drastic Fear

I have already explained that my worst fear is disappointing myself. The thing is, everytime I think of what my life needs to have the quality of being good enough, so as not to be disappointing, is love.

My friends tell me that I over-analyze things, and that sometimes something catches my attention so much that I focus my attention to that detail so much such that it seems essential to everything.

And that's actually what happened. I do all that, and I have over-analyzed the concept of love, and discovered through my analysis that there is only one kind of love that is so meaningful, to the point of making it so satisfying that you can be sure to never be disappointed. This love is the one that happens in the context of an open-relationship.

I have mentioned before that I would explain my position on open-relationships. This post does not explain the analysis used to reach that conclusion, but it explains why I wish to realize this type of relationship so fanatically. It is seems to be the only way to a love that I can swear by!!

The Most Drastic Fear

My dad always tells me that I should fear nothing in life, and that he has no fear of anything. I believed him, but never understood the extent of what that meant. However, recently he told us somethings that showed me the extent of how much a man can fear nothing. My dad works currently in Saudi Arabia, not in a city, in a village secluded from civilization. My dad when he feels bored on weekends, he like to go drive far away. So he takes the car and drives away, and he does not turn back. No.... when the night hits, he parks a little off-road in the desert, puts a sleeping bag on the sand and sleeps.

This stricked me as something only a truly fearless man would do. He can sleep in the middle of the desert, when he could have just as easily turned back and eventually sleep at home. And it makes me think how much my life could have been different if I were as fearless as my father.

I have contemplated on my own fears, and was very conflicted when I tried to see if I had so many fears, or so few of them. I could not understand whether or not I have too few or too many fears. However, in a moment of clarity, I saw the answer to my question. I have conquered all fears, including the fear of death.

However, there is still one fear that tops it all: The fear of disappointing myself. My only fear is that when I see my end, and death would be near, I would take a look back at my life... similar to the flash backs they say a person has when he's dying, say falling from a tall building. So I only fear for my future self, to witness such a flash back and be disappointed. Every other fear I have conquered, except this one!

PS: As a postscript, it is also worth mentioning, that I fear for myself only those few moments before death, but no concern at all for anything after that, because death would be the complete inexistence of my conscience, so there is no me to be concerned about. I also don't fear sudden death, where I would not have seen that flash back. And from this I understand that I don't fear death itself.