Intimacy, Relationships, and The Problems of Monogamy

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is the creation of genuine connections with people. Some people see that sexual intercourse is the only "real" form of intimacy. However, I think that this is a narrow-sighted view of what intimacy is.

There is a wide array of things that can create intimate connections with people. Simple gestures that convey a loving attitude are intimate. Sharing similar views on certain topics can be intimate. Being excited about an idea can be intimate. And sex for sure can be intimate.

And therefore, when monogamous people insist on the exclusivity of sex I see it as an indirect declaration that sex is the only thing that matters in a relationship. I think sex is important, but by far not the only thing that is important.

So, when we see that restricting sexual intercourse is an indirect attempt to restrict intimacy a large array of problems come into light.

If someone takes seriously the idea of restricting the intimate connections that their partner has with other people, there is far a lot more than just sex that needs to be restricted. A simple conversation can be intimate, and how are you going to control that? Are you going to prohibit your partner from having meaningful conversations with other people?

Let's say a couple had a rule that they are not allowed to have deep meaningful conversations with other people in order to restrict intimate connections. What is the definition of a "deep meaningful conversation"?

For example, you can sit with someone and talk about something mundane... Like say, the weather. Let's imagine the following conversation:

- "Hey, the weather is nice today."
- "Yes, it is a lovely day today."
- "Did you watch the news? Do you have any idea how the weather is going to be tomorrow?"
- "Yeah, it is going to have some light rain tomorrow!"
- "Yay, I love rainy weather!"
- "Me too. Why is it that you love rainy weather?"
- "I just love going out in the rain. The feel of rain drops splashing my face is fantastic!"
- "Oh wow... I have the same feeling too... It's just so liberating!!"
- "Liberating... That's exactly the word I would describe that feeling!"

Looking at the conversation above, it might seem to some people to be about two people just conversing about the weather - nothing intimate about it. However, this conversation can be seen by some as an intimate conversation where people are sharing how they feel. A simple conversation like that can be the start of a great relationship, if the two people felt connected at a deep level, and sharing that attitude towards the rain had deep significance to them.

So, if you were in a monogamous relationship, how would you feel about your partner having that conversation with someone else?!

What if the conversation took a deeper turn? Let's say the two people started talking about the weather, and ended up talking about their dreams and aspirations. Maybe they both were for example atheists, and created a connection when they both became honest about their views of something that goes deep into the human psyche like religion. Maybe even they shared stories of having to fight social pressure to conform to mainstream religion, and so they felt a deep intimate connection?!

What would you think of the following conversation:

- "Hey, the weather is nice today."
- "Yes, it is a lovely day today."
- "Did you watch the news? Do you have any idea how the weather is going to be tomorrow?"
- "Yeah, it is going to have some light rain tomorrow!"
- "Yay, I love rainy weather!"
- "Me too. Why is it that you love rainy weather?"
- "I just love going out in the rain. The feel of rain drops splashing my face is fantastic!"
- "Oh wow... I have the same feeling too... It's just so liberating!!"
- "Liberating... That's exactly the word I would describe that feeling!"
- "Do you know what else I find liberating?"
- "What?"
- "Being honest with other people."
- "I agree. And in that spirit, I want to share something with you about myself."
- "What is that?"
- "I am an atheist, and it plays a huge role in my views about life!"
- "I am not atheist, however I am an agnostic! But wow, that was a really brave thing to say, seeing how much atheists are frowned upon in our society. I face a lot of negative reactions about my agnosticism, to the point of being afraid to tell others that aspect of myself!"
- "I do too, however I felt a good connection with you, and so I felt at ease sharing that with you!"
- "Yes, me too. The feeling is mutual, I also feel ecstatic that we could share that about ourselves."

What do you think of THAT? Now imagine that instead of the conversation above, the following conversation happened:

- "Hey, the weather is nice today."
- "Yes, it is a lovely day today."
- "Did you watch the news? Do you have any idea how the weather is going to be tomorrow?"
- "Yeah, it is going to have some light rain tomorrow!"
- "Yay, I love rainy weather!"
- "Me too. Why is it that you love rainy weather?"
- "I just love going out in the rain. The feel of rain drops splashing my face is fantastic!"
- "Oh wow... I have the same feeling too... It's just so liberating!!"
- "Ouch, I am sorry. I have a girlfriend. I sense this conversation is becoming meaningful. I am not interested in any conversation that goes beyond 'That's a nice weather!'... I prefer to only have meaningful conversations with my girlfriend."

What do you think?

I personally would feel abhorred by such over-protective fear of human connections and intimacy, that people feel they have to sabotage any meaningful intimate connections with others.

In my view, sex is an advanced stage of such intimate connections. It's not much different than simply cutting of a conversation that have just become interesting and meaningful. Relationships by their nature advance as people become more accepting and in tune with the other person. So, whether you cut off the conversation just when it has become interesting, or cutting off a relationship just when you feel that sexual intimacy is just few inches away, it all about sabotaging and being afraid of intimate connections happening between people!!

It's just an arbitrary line drawn in the sand!!

Also, if you were a person in the business of disallowing their partner from intimate connections with other people. What is sufficient protection? Even a seemingly innocent conversation about the weather can turn out to have an intimate aspect to it. So, what are you going to do? Ban conversing altogether?!

So, it really does not make sense to think you can simply make a bunch of rules to restrict intimacy.

The Human Core: Pansexuality, Polyamory, and Relationship Anarchy

There are three aspects of the human experience that exemplify it's core values: Love, sexuality, and relationships. In this post, I will address those most essential elements of the human experience.

Let's start with a few quick definitions before we delve into the subject.

Pansexuality is a term used to describe undiscriminating choice for sexual and\or romantic partners. Most people are familiar with the term "bisexuality", which includes both "homo" and "hetero" partners for sexual and\or romantic affairs. Pansexuality extends beyond bisexuality, to include the sexes that are usually referred to as "others", including -but not limited to- transsexuals (people who undergone a sex-change operation) and intersexes (people who don't fall in either male or female profiles). I have expressed my admiration for pansexuality in previous posts, like this one.

It is worth noting that pansexuals don't have to actually be attracted to that full spectrum. A pansexual might be someone who is in fact heterosexual, but refuses to identify with that label because they would not repress any attractions towards someone from the same sex (if it happened), although they realistically know that they may never feel such an attraction. The same logic also applies to homosexuals who may or may not experience heterosexual urges.

Relationship anarchy is the practice of forming relationships that are not bound by set rules. Relationship anarchy has strong connections with open relationships, although being distinct from open relationships. It differs from other relationship models by postulating that there need not be a formal distinction between different types of relationships. Relationship anarchists look at each relationship (romantic or otherwise) individually, as opposed to categorizing them according to societal norms such as 'just friends', 'in a relationship', 'in an open relationship', etc.

Polyamory is the belief that it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I have addressed this topic on multiple occasions in this blog. What follows are three posts that discuss the concept of polyamory:
- Can You Love More Than One Person At The Same Time?
- Polyamory: The Ethical Problems of Monogamy
- Dissecting The Concept of Monogamy


The questions that are at the core of this post are: In what ways are those three concepts connected? What are the common values that those perspectives share? And why I believe that those three concepts work beautifully well together that there is a good chance that someone who subscribes to one is likely to subscribe to the others as well?


Fluidity:
The first word that comes to mind to describe those three positions is fluidity! I believe that the common values go much deeper than that, but this is a good place to start. Pansexuality is about being fluid about your sexual preferences. A pansexual person is one who is not willing to limit his or her sexual preferences in a normative manner. This can to be contrasted with self-identified heterosexuals, who may have some homosexual urges, but choose to repress those urges in order to avoid a situation where they might have to question their sexual orientation. A pansexual would give themselves permission to act on their desire without feeling the need to question their attraction.

In a similar fashion, a relationship anarchist would not 'define' and consequently constrain their relationships with other people. They prefer to keep their relationships fluid, and hence lack the need to constrain themselves or others through rules, but even more importantly, roles!

And finally, let's address polyamory. Monogamy in this context can be seen as a limiting belief, that may cause a person to repress an emotional connection that is developing with another person, due to the fact that they believe that loving more than one person at the same time is somehow not 'real love'!! In the same way that a heterosexual might ignore feeling of attraction to someone of the same gender based on normative considerations, a monogamist might ignore an evolving emotional bond based on normative considerations of a similar nature.


Genuine Connectedness and Freedom of Expression:
In a very similar manner of understanding, those three concepts allow a person have have the freedom to express themselves, and allow others to express themselves openly and honestly. The outcome of an atmosphere of freedom is genuineness.

Since love, sexuality, and relationships are the most profound aspects of the human experience, the expression of those elements expresses the fundamental values of the personal identity. Our inner most values as humans are expressed through love, sex, and relationships. Any act that aims to censor or inhibit the free expression of those values hides away an aspect of our personal identify. The people we enter relationships with are a mirror to our inner most needs, desires, and values.

In order to maximize the genuineness of the interpersonal bonds with our fellow human beings, we need to maximize their ability to express their inner most selves genuinely without manipulation or censorship.

Pansexuality, polyamory, and relationship anarchy are effective tools to guarantee that yourself and others are free to express themselves in the most genuine manner...


Avoiding Self-Limiting Beliefs:
As has been explained in the previous section, adopting the social norms that create normative barriers to self-expression are self-limiting beliefs, that encourage the person holding those beliefs to not fully explore their inner-selves. It shuts down routes that may lead to experiencing life without any barriers.

However, it is my personal belief that the most gratifying relationships are with those who both are willing to be open and honest, and also have done the necessary self-reflection to actually know themselves deeply enough. After all, you cannot share your values if you have not done what is necessary to discover those values.


Acceptance and Celebrating Our Humanity:
Love, sex, and relationships are momentous experiences. Without them life would be dull, and frankly meaningless. When we experience love we feel joy. When we experience sex we feel joy. And when we have genuine relationships we feel joy. Any of those experiences calls for a celebration. It is a celebration that expresses our humanity. Humans are social creatures, and all those experiences exemplify the best aspects of our social selves.

Pansexuality, polyamory, and relationship anarchy demonstrates an acceptance and receptiveness to all those joys of life. It allows us to experience life to its fullest potential without having to feel guilt, shame, or internal conflict while expressing our values.

I shall quote from an article that expresses such concerns quite eloquently:

"[Monogamy] makes a person feel guilty about having a feeling that I consider to be one of the most important feelings of all. Our ability to connect with other people, to admire other people for their greatness, to be attracted to what we value (spiritually and physically), the ability to love – is probably our most vital characteristic in this life. Monogamy takes a somewhat controversial stance towards it – this property is considered wonderful in a person if he is single, but once he already has one romantic relationship, this very same property is labeled as extremely immoral and wrong. [...] So, basically, if you're in a monogamous relationship, and there's this other person that you realize is absolutely awesome, then you should feel somewhat guilty. You should reject this realization." (source)

And within this understanding, the goal is to celebrate our core human values without guilt or repression. To give ourselves and those we are in a relationship with the means to experience the joys of life.

What Is The False Self?

In this video, Stefan Molyneux explains the concept of "the false self".

Communication in The Paradigm of Open Relationships

It is my personal belief that honest communication plays an important role in interpersonal relationships. I have stumbled upon an interesting and eye-opening YouTube video that clarifies that importance of honest communication in relationships, and the role of opening up relationships and it's positive effects on communication between partners. Highly Recommended.

Non-Sexual Open Relationships - Part 1
Non-Sexual Open Relationships - Part 2

Dissecting The Concept of Monogamy

Monogamy can be interpreted in two contexts. The common context relates monogamy to romantic love, and the other relates monogamy to marriage. In this post, I am addressing monogamy in the context of romantic love. The concept of monogamy has two common views. The first one is usually called "strict monogamy", the other is usually called "serial monogamy".

Strict monogamy states that a person has one "true love" in his lifetime. This belief is commonly held but rarely practiced. This belief is a direct derivative of the common imagery of the "one true love", and the fairy tales of the prince and the princess meeting and falling in love and living happily ever after. In this belief, there are two scenarios that can happen. The idealistic vision is that a person will experience attraction and love only once in their life, and this would be their one true love. In more pragmatic visions, a person is perceived to experience love several times in their life, but only one of their experiences in love is "true" love.

The pragmatic vision of strict monogamy is usually characterized by the concept of a "soul mate". So basically, the vision is that people live their lives, fall in and out of loves multiple of times, but those relationships that failed, failed because they were not with their soul mate, their one true love. So the people would be entering relationships in the hope of stumbling upon their soul mate, and having an everlasting relationship! In this vision, previous lovers are pictured as being somewhat inferior to the person that one ended up having an everlasting relationship with. That's to say, they were not instances of "true love", your true love is that love you finally got to after successive failures.

Serial monogamy states that a person can have only one "true love" at any point of time. There is strong similarity between the pragmatic vision of strict monogamy and serial monogamy. So, just like in strict monogamy, a person falls in and out of love several times in their life. Serial monogamy is also a commonly held belief, and is much more practiced in real life. The idea here is that a person gets a lover (usually with the title boyfriend or girlfriend), their relationship is maintained for some time, then they break up, and then enter into a new relationship. The difference from the pragmatic vision of strict monogamy that there is no belief that the love of a given person should be superior to all previous lovers. So in this belief system, you can claim that you had more than one experience of "true love". One does not have to denounce previous relationships as inferior to their current relationship in order to claim that their current relationship is sincere.

After this brief introduction to the various beliefs held for monogamous love, let's look at the implications of those beliefs.

Most people (I guess) would identify with serial monogamy. It is after all how most people conduct their relationships, although for some people their inner thoughts and feelings resonate more with the vision of the pragmatic strict monogamy. Pragmatic strict monogamy in my opinion is very insulting to the concept of love.

When I was first introduced to the concept of strict monogamy I was completely abhorred!! And yes, like most people I was introduced to this concept at a very young age. To see why strict monogamy is abhorrent, let's look at a very simple scenario:

Say that you met someone who you find to be absolutely charming, and that you find yourself in love with that person. You would characterize your love for that person as honest and sincere. In other words, it's love in it's most noble form. But then, you foresee that this person may not be in your life forever. That you may have to part with this person at some future point of time. And then you find yourself in a pickle. If you ever met someone else and felt those same noble feelings of honest and sincere love, then you have to denounce your love for the person you are currently with as "not true love"! This is because in that belief system you can only have one true love, so you either have to admit that your current lover is not the real deal, or that it is impossible that any future love that you experience is also sincere because you already consumed your one shot at true love!!

Such scenario is truly disturbing in my opinion. That if you sincerely love a person now, all your future relationships are a "fraud". Or that if you were going to have a future sincere relationship, then your current relationship is a "fraud"!! It is a very disturbing and counter-intuitive idea, and I find it truly immature to hold such belief!

Needless to say, labeling your relationships as insincere or frauds is insulting to the people that you love. So in this setup, you are being forced to insult either your current partner, or all of your future and past partners. You are being forced to value your relationships in a post-facto (after the fact) manner. Such setup obviously does not make the concept of love noble in any way, but rather one has to hold a belief of inferiority of all your relationships that did not turn out exactly the way a person envisions them.

The obvious solution to this dangerous belief is that a person can indeed have sincere feelings of love towards more than one person in his or her lifetime. To me, this instantly made me believe in polyamory. However, the concept of serial monogamy solves the same problem but with an additional condition. So, in serial monogamy it is believed that a person can have sincere feelings of love towards more than one person in his or her lifetime, BUT you can only sincerely love one person at any given point of time!

That's a really big BUT there in serial monogamy. And I believe this additional condition is misinformed. Once we understand why strict monogamy is problematic, we can easily see why serial monogamy is also problematic. I have already addressed this in a previous post, but let's get over it once more. As we have seen with the problem of strict monogamy, we are being forced to denounce certain love experiences as insincere because we perceive it as impossible to experience true love more than once in a lifetime. However, in serial monogamy we are being forced to make that same denouncement of the sincerity of love if our experiences of love happened to overlap in time.

So, for a serial monogamist, if they find that they are developing feelings and emotional connections with someone, they are instantly being forced to decide that one of their love experiences as being insincere. So, you either love this new person in your life sincerely which means that you should terminate your relationship with the person you are currently involved with, or you see the new person as a threat to your current relationship, and must destroy any emotional connection that is developing between you and that new person.

However, this notion is ludicrous in my opinion. The notion that the sincerity of one's love has to be questioned if they find themselves being emotionally connected to more than one person. In my mind, this problem at it's core is not in any way different from the problem that is raised in the context of strict monogamy. And for this reason, I think that anyone who has a problem with the implications of strict monogamy should be equally disturbed by the implications of serial monogamy!!

Again, the limitation of loving one person at a time is nothing more than a misinformed, not properly thought out, externally imposed limitation. There is nothing in our nature (at least for most people) that prevents us from wholeheartedly loving more than one person at any given point of time. And the introduction of this limitation does not make the concept of love more noble. Quite the contrary, it is debasing and insulting to the concept of love, and to the people we love!!

Polyamory, which is the belief that we can love more than one person (even at the same time), is the obvious and natural response to the problems that are being introduced by the concept of monogamy...

There are some challenges to practicing polyamory in system that idolizes serial monogamy. The problem is highlighted with the concept of cheating. In most relationship paradigms that are practiced today, having more than one relationship is indeed insulting to your lover. This is because for a person to love someone other than the one they are currently in a relationship with would involve cheating. And cheating in my opinion does challenge the sincerity of love one has for another. However, this is a problem of design and construction. In other words, when people design their relationships with the principles of serial monogamy embedded in their construction, they create a system where loving more than one person comes at direct contradiction with sincerity.

So our initial problem is persistent in such a design. If, by design, the only way a person can practice polyamory they need to cheat, then it is an obvious flaw in the design. The very purpose of polyamory (in my personal view) is that we do not undermine the integrity and sincerity of our relationships either past, current, or future. For this reason, the open-relationships design is crucial to practicing polyamory while adhering to the principles that compelled a person to hold a belief in polyamory. For a person to be able to truly love a person without compromising their integrity and sincerity with respect to their already established relationships there needs to be an understanding between partners and lovers about the principles of polyamory. So open-relationships is a paradigm design of relationships such that practicing polyamory does not undermine the concept of love, and maintains its integrity...

The False Dichotomy of Friendship and Romantic Companionship

In a previous post I hinted at the problematic distinction between friendship and romantic companionship. I have stumbled upon a very interesting post that expresses my concern in a quite eloquent manner.

The following are excerpts from that post:

I recently witnessed many discussions on how acceptable it is to pursue a friendship with someone you're interested in romantically, and I keep hearing opinions that are absolutely baffling to me. I hear things like: it's wrong, it's dishonest, it's not a "real" friendship, the other person will be rightfully furious at you when they find out, etc. etc.

It seems that, for all these people, friendship and romance are required to develop on absolutely distinct paths, right off the bat; otherwise, they see it as wrong somehow.

I suspect that the difference between us is this: they see friendship as opposed to a romantic relationship, like the two are mutually exclusive, whereas I see friendship as being a part of romantic relationship. Moreover, it is an absolutely vital part – I can’t have romantic relationships without it. All of my romantic relationships began with friendship!

Another point: friendship is not only a vital part of a relationship – it is also the most important one, by far! The most rewarding, the most fun, the most worthy to pursue. Whenever I really like someone, I’ll always be willing to give up the sex in order to be able to be their friend.

When I am trying to become friends with someone, it is because I find them interesting and fun and I want to be their friend. Now, I may also want to sleep with them; but I can’t emphasize the “also” enough. The romance is not mandatory – the friendship is. First, foremost and most importantly – I want to be their friend.

For me, spending time and energy on a friend is its own reward... Otherwise, what kind of friendship is that?! And regarding the emotional turmoil – yes, I agree, it can be not easy sometimes. But it’s totally worth it. (At least for me.)

source: Dishonest Friendship?

Although the concluding remarks in that post are a little bit off-topic, I am going to include them because I find them enlightening and address some issues commonly encountered in practice:

This post has a dual goal:

If you’re my friend, and you realize that I’m in love with you – don’t conclude that my friendship is not genuine. It is.

If you are interested in me romantically, ask yourself: if a fairy told you that she looked into the future and I definitely won't sleep with you, ever – would that knowledge make you not want to be my friend anymore?

If the answer is yes – that you’re interested in my friendship only on condition for the prospect of sex – please, fuck off! I mean it – we’re not right for each other, I don’t need you in my life.
But it is completely okay if you are interested in sex – as long as you are interested in me regardless of ever having it.

Words From Ayn Rand: Love and Happiness

Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.

Love is a command to rise to one's highest potential, the best and noblest vision of oneself. Love is a reward, the greatest we can earn, granted to us for the moral qualities we have achieved in our life.

Love, friendship, respect, admiration are the emotional response of one man to the virtues of another, the spiritual payment given in exchange for the personal, selfish pleasure which one man derives from the virtues of another man’s character.

A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving.

Romantic love, in the full sense of the term, is an emotion possible only to the man (or woman) of unbreached self-esteem: it is his response to his own highest values in the person of another —an integrated response of mind and body, of love and sexual desire. Such a man (or woman) is incapable of experiencing a sexual desire divorced from spiritual values.

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

“To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I.'”

To love is to value. The man who tells you that it is possible to value without values, to love those whom you appraise as worthless, is the man who tells you that it is possible to grow rich by consuming without producing and that paper money is as valuable as gold....

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There are two aspects of man’s existence which are the special province and expression of his sense of life: love and art.

I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term — as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love —with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony.

Many errors and tragic disillusionments are possible in this process of emotional recognition, since a sense of life, by itself, is not a reliable cognitive guide. And if there are degrees of evil, then one of the most evil consequences of mysticism —in terms of human suffering— is the belief that love is a matter of “the heart,” not the mind, that love is an emotion independent of reason, that love is blind and impervious to the power of philosophy. Love is the expression of philosophy —of a subconscious philosophical sum— and, perhaps, no other aspect of human existence needs the conscious power of philosophy quite so desperately. When that power is called upon to verify and support an emotional appraisal, when love is a conscious integration of reason and emotion, of mind and values, then —and only then— it is the greatest reward of man’s life.

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Ayn Rand

Compersion: Polyamory Realized

Compersion is defined as taking joy in the joy of others. It is the opposite of envy, which is characterized by feelings of spite towards the joy of others. In the context of relationships it is the healthy alternative to jealousy.

Love is a joyous emotion. If a friend or somebody we care about falls in love, we'd be happy for them. We would share with them their joy, and wish them the best of luck, and sincerely hope it will work out for the best for them. We would take inspiration from their smiles and enthusiasm...

Isn't it odd that when people claim to be in love they would express intention of compersion, and tell their partners that their own happiness is elevated when their partner is happy, yet if their partner fell in love they would deny those feelings of compersion and indulge jealousy instead?!

Isn't it odd that some people can share the joy of love with friends and acquaintances, but not their significant others?!

Polyamory: The Ethical Problems of Monogamy

I have always had ethical problems with closed relationships and monogamy. I regard love as great and sacred, and for anything to contradict that seems unethical to me. This is because our capacity for love is the source of ethics and morality, and to label love as wrong and immoral is such a contradiction! I was always amazed by the common belief that monogamy somehow is an ideal of love. This belief always seemed problematic, and in reality I believe that monogamy is anti-love and anti-ethical rather than an ideal.

The question that is crucial here is: How can you deny love in the name of love?! How can you state that love is the reason that love is wrong?!

I have found a very interesting post about the ethical dilemma of monogamy that states my view on the topic in a quite eloquent manner. The following is an excerpt from that post:

For most poly people out there, there's really nothing wrong with monogamy. Both mono and poly are valid relationship models, and everyone chooses the one which best fits them. I really wish I could wholeheartedly agree with this... however, I must admit that monogamy clashes with my ethics. And here's why:

It makes a person feel guilty about having a feeling that I consider to be one of the most important feelings of all. Our ability to connect with other people, to admire other people for their greatness, to be attracted to what we value (spiritually and physically), the ability to love – is probably our most vital characteristic in this life. Monogamy takes a somewhat controversial stance towards it – this property is considered wonderful in a person if he is single, but once he already has one romantic relationship, this very same property is labeled as extremely immoral and wrong. Well, newsflash, everyone: the ability to fall in love does not miraculously disappear when one finds a partner! OK, so maybe for some people it does. Maybe. For most of us, it does not; and polyamory finds this wonderful. In monogamy, however, it is usually considered very wrong to even be attracted to someone else – even if you never act upon these feelings. So, basically, if you're in a monogamous relationship, and there's this other person that you realize is absolutely awesome, then you should feel somewhat guilty. You should reject this realization.

And this is what ticks me off. For me, it's all very simple, really: Love is great. Sex is great. If a doctrine states that love and sex between two consenting adults is immoral, then that doctrine is wrong.

source: What's Wrong with Monogamy

Alice in Wonderland (2010): The Best Love Story

Alice in Wonderland, how did I forget this astonishing movie!! I still remember the first time I watched it, I was thinking "Wow!". And I am not wowed easily! It's a story about love... But not everyday love, but what I would definitely call "true love"! It was like the writer tapped into my head, read my mind, and made it into a movie!

Behind its fantasy and out-of-this-world narrative lies great truth and wisdom. I am not sure that everyone would understand the symbolism behind this great movie, but let's see what readers make of it. So, yeah dear readers, consider this a homework. Watch this movie and share your thoughts on what you understand from it.

Every scene has lots of wisdom in it, I can write a post about each and every scene in this movie. But I will not do that, maybe sometime in the future, but not in the near future. However, I will make one post that highlights the main story line, and the most prominent wisdom that can be gained from this movie. This post should be there next week hopefully.

The movie has a lot to say about love, politics, religion, life, and psychology. But I will focus on the topic of love, so as not to confuse readers. The main idea of the movie focuses on the post I made titled "The Choice Between Love and Fear", and in a more indirect manner the post titled: "About Love: Love and Curiosity". So, if you liked those posts, this homework is made especially for you!

So once again, watch this movie if you hadn't already and share your insight.

Download this movie: (torrent) (avi)

The Choice Between Love And Fear

Everytime a person enters a relationship they have to make a choice between love and fear.

If you choose love, your highest priority will be to open up to your partner, get to know them very well, engage in honest meaningful discussions, and have experiences that will enrich your relationship. You will want to create an atmosphere of transparency and freedom. You will accept their choices and celebrate their desires. You will have to give them many freedoms, including among others, the freedom to hurt you emotionally. Love requires a huge investment of emotions, and the more emotions that you invest, the greater power your partner will have to hurt you emotionally. However, when you choose love, you set aside those concerns and make yourself completely available and in the moment without regard to the consequences that might entail.

On the other hand, if you choose fear, you highest priority will be to protect yourself. You will create an emotional barricade around yourself, distance yourself from the complexities of the relationship, and make sure that your partner stays inline. You will demand sexual and emotional fidelity, you feel insecure if your partner meets an interesting person, and you will do everything you can to make sure that your partner never leaves or do anything that might hurt you. You do not want your partner to see you for who you really are, because you are afraid they might not like the real you. You know that you have not invested much in making a solid relationship, that's why any person your partner might be interested in is an immediate threat because they might help them see what you have been holding back.

My opinion is that if someone enters a relationship with the expectation that they would never get emotionally hurt, they have no business being in a relationship in the first place!

It is important that each one of us asks themselves: Which one of those choices my past relationships exemplified? Do I choose love? Or do I choose fear? And, do I want to make those same choices or choose a different path? Some might not realize it, but love and fear just don't go together, sooner or later you have to make a choice!

PS: Inspired by this entry

The Problem of Mr./Mrs. Right

Many people have an idea that is usually referred to as Mr. or Mrs. Right. While it is not necessarily a bad idea to have in your mind, many people use the idea in a way that is problematic for intimate relationships.

Some people have the idea of Mr. or Mrs. Right going in the back of their minds like a broken record that keeps repeating itself. Everytime they meet a person, they keep asking themselves: Is this Mr./Mrs. Right?! Oh, he likes this, he hates that... Wow he must be Mr./Mrs. Right... But oh wait, he does this, and he doesn't like that... Nah, he cannot be Mr./Mrs. Right!!

Almost all cultures have this idea of prince or princess charming that will come and be one's perfect match in every way possible. Some people might say that this is a fairy tale idea that does not happen in real life, but it is nonetheless something romantic. I disagree on both accounts. First, it can happen in real life. And second, it is not romantic... If anything it is anti-romantic. Allow me to explain.

First, the reason that prince or princess charming seems for many people to simply not exist, is because they build their images and ideas about Mr./Mrs. Right in the fantasy world. If you construct your idea of Mr./Mrs. Right in the fantasy world, then it is only logical that you will find them only in the fantasy world that they were constructed in. However, if you construct the idea of Mr./Mrs. Right in the real world, then such a person may exist. So it is simply a matter of making realistic expectations.

In the fantasy world, you will not find your prince or princess charming defecating in the bathroom. But if you're looking for someone who does not go to the bathroom, you're out of luck! My point is, humans are humans, and they have their flaws and charms, they have their ups and downs... And sometimes, what might seem like a flaw would indeed be something magnificent.

As a matter of fact, sometimes you might find people who are even better than Mr./Mrs. Right! And I am talking from first hand experience point of view. How?! Simple, any imaginary person is limited by your imagination. While imaginary people might not be limited in certain aspects, they are limited by your own perceptions. You are unlikely to have an interesting conversation with your imaginary friends, because they can only tell you what you already know. And they cannot teach you something about yourself, because they are part of what you know about yourself. And you are not going to experience anything new, because what you imagine is based on what you already experienced. Sometimes, real people are far more interesting and far more worthy of love than your imaginary friends.

Second point -which is actually the main point of this post- is that the idea of Mr./Mrs. Right devalues interpersonal relationships. That is why I consider it to be anti-romantic. Interpersonal relationships are valuable. But when people operate in the mindset of Mr./Mrs. Right, they would be constantly be making comparisons and judgements on the person they are in a relationship with. Relationships are valuable because they are a form of human interaction. They are an expression of our humanity.

This problem is usually evident when intimate relationships end. Many people would react in the following way: Oh darn, he did not turn out to be Mr./Mrs. Right, I wasted my time with this person and for what?! For nothing!!

If you ever find yourself reacting in that manner, then I think that you have a problem. You simply miss the whole point of a relationship. Relationships are valuable whether or not they are with Mr./Mrs. Right. It is human to form relationships with people. And relationships have value whether they last for five minutes or a lifetime. That's not to say they necessarily have equal value... But they have value nonetheless, and to deny that is a problem in and of itself.

Relationships need not and should not be an exercise in finding Mr./Mrs. Right. Talking about a subject of interest, sharing thoughts and feeling, sitting next to the person watching TV, having sexual intercourse, or any activity that you did, do, or will do is significant, and need to be appreciated regardless of when or how the relationship ended or started. And to deny any of that is -in my opinion- problematic and anti-romantic because it strips the relationship of its humanity.

And third point is how such an idea affects the relationship. For example, I personally hold honesty to be an important feature in relationships. But what would happen if the person you are involved with does not measure up to some of the characteristics of Mr./Mrs. Right?! This might not be a problem. However, if one is determined to find Mr./Mrs. Right no matter what, they might be determined to terminate that relationship. So, imagine now that you are with your partner, and he knows that your Mr./Mrs. Right has some characteristic that he does not have... For one, it might cause that person to feel inadequate and consequently jeopardize the relationship.

Moreover, think of how this affects the honesty of your partner. How would a person have the desire to be honest about themselves if they know that their honesty will cause them to lose you, or at least think less of them?! You would be putting your partner in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. Where they have to make a choice between honesty and the continuity of the relationship.

In short, how could someone be encouraged to be honest and express themselves freely if they are constantly expected to measure up to some imaginary person that their partner made up?!

So, the person who is trying to find Mr./Mrs. Right is faced with the choice: Do I want a partner who is himself/herself all the time? Or do I want a partner who just seeks to imitate my imaginary friend called Mr./Mrs. Right? I hope that you agree with me that the former choice is the more sensible choice.

A Different Kind of Commitment

Open relationships involve a very different kind of commitment. One is essentially committing to conceive of the relationship in a non-comparative light; to value it for its intrinsic character rather than the way it compares to others; and to care about your partner, and how they treat you, in a non-possessive fashion. It involves the recognition that: What matters is your relationship, not any other one – even if the other involves your partner.

About Love - Part 2: Love and Curiosity

Curiosity is the most important aspect of love.

To love someone is to think that they are interesting. And for them to be interesting to you, this means that they instill a feeling of curiosity. The desire that emerges when you get to know someone, that you want to know more about them. Understand their feelings, experiences, views, and thoughts. Or more generally, understand who they are. This desire in my opinion is the most definitive feature of the emotion of love. And this desire is why a relationship is created and how the relationship is maintained.

Curiosity is the reason you make the time to sit with a person, have a conversation about all the different subject matters. It is why one would listen to another talking about their day, their passions, their opinions, or what have you. And it is through this process that intimacy grows and creates the experience of love.

And the satisfaction of this desire of curiosity and learning creates a very pleasant experience, which would reinforce the desire and be the basis of love.

Within this view, let's address how closed relationships and open relationships manifest their effects on the emotion of curiosity. While some people might interpret a statement of exclusivity from their partner as a positive commitment, I see it negatively. Because when we meet other people, our lives get enriched. In other words, we become more interesting in the sense then we have more things to talk about, share, and teach our partner. We as humans acquire knowledge and insight through our experiences, and the most profound class of experiences are interactions with other human beings. By limiting the depth of our experiences with other people, we are shutting the door for numerous experiences that will enrich our life, develop our personalities, and give us insight about ourselves, others, and life in general.

Consequently, the way I see things, someone who proclaims exclusivity is basically saving: "I have no intention of making myself more lovable, by the means of enriching my life." And in this sense, when your partner has no interest in enriching your life with the knowledge they give you, they are defying the very constituent of love, namely being worthy of curiosity, and consequently worthy of your time and love.

When you meet someone and find that they are interesting, that they have a unique perspective on life, and their mind works in a beautiful way; The more natural impulse is that you want that person to experience life more fully, because in that manner they are going to gain the insight and the experience to be more insightful and interesting. I find it extremely odd that one would think that someone is interesting, but not give them the tools to put their talent at work to come up with something that might as well be ground breaking!

Same idea applies when your partner asks you to be exclusive to them. They are basically saying: "I love you for a reason other than that I find you interesting." Which would consequently put into question whether or not they love you to begin with. Curiosity knows no bounds, and no matter how much you already know, you still have the desire to know more. If you have no desire to know more, then you have no curiosity, and when you are not curious, the emotion of love loses it's momentum.

And the idea of this deep connection between the emotion of love and curiosity is very evident in the general conception of 'true love'. Most people would argue that sex is not the most important aspect of love, but rather admiring and respecting the personality of the loved one. And this raises the question: How would it be that you admire and respect someone's personality if you don't think they are interesting? Or in other words, feel curious about them? So it seems to me that the people who profess that the closed-relationships model for relationships is compatible with the conception of 'true love' as being highly self-contradicting and self-refuting!

In this series:
About Love - Part 1: Love and Jealousy
About Love - Part 2: Love and Curiosity
Next: About Love - Part 3: Love and Sexuality
Next: About Love - Part 4: True Love

Question For Readers

Which scenario makes more sense to you? Which scenario you think you most likely engage in practice?

1- Loving someone, and building a relationship with them using that love as a solid foundation for the relationship.

OR

2- Having a relationship with someone, and building the love on the solid foundation of the relationship.

Please share your thoughts. I am hoping that this question will trigger some sort of discussion.

The Intimacy Process Model

In psychology, one of the important theories is what is referred to as the "intimacy process model". Intimacy is a sense of closeness, familiarity, and affect toward another person. Intimacy plays a major role in interpersonal relationships as it is the basis of friendship and love. In this post we will look at the intimacy process model to have a better understanding of how intimacy is cultivated in interpersonal relationships.

To help put things in perspective, let's look at a diagram that sums up what this model suggests:

In this diagram, 'A' is someone who is disclosing information about him/herself to 'B' (I'll use the male pronoun for 'A' from this point on). Any kind of information that a person counts as significant about themselves counts. 'A' could be talking about a book they read, a movie they watched, an experience they had. 'A' could be talking about their feelings towards 'B' or someone else. Or he might be discussing some of their hopes, dreams, fears, ...etc.

Once 'A' shared some personal information, he is going to observe 'B''s reaction. 'A' is looking for confirmation from 'B'. The idea is that the feelings of intimacy that 'A' experiences towards 'B' will grow, insofar that 'A' feels understood, validated, and cared for. 'A' will be asking himself questions like: Does this person get me? Can he/she relate to what I am talking about? Does this person like me more or less now that I shared this information? Does this person's reaction show them to have interest in me?

'B''s reaction depends on two things, his/her interpretation of the information being revealed, and his/her own set of motives, needs, goals, and fears. 'B''s interpretation will depend on many factors, including -among others-: Past experiences, prejudices and biases, goals and dreams, fears, cultural background, sometimes even state of mind (eg. angry, excited, aroused).

Once 'B' has responded to 'A', now the same process of interpretation is going to happen. 'A' will interpret 'B''s reaction, and depending on how much his interpretation of 'B''s reaction is perceived as a sign of understanding, validation, and caring intimacy will grow. And of course, the cycle continues as long as 'A' keeps revealing information about themselves during the course of the relationship.

Needless to say, intimacy needs some balance. In other words, sharing and revealing of information should be a two way road. Both persons need to disclose something about themselves during conversations that take place in the course of the relationship. Lack of disclosure about personal information is usually perceived as lack of interest.

This process is significant throughout all the interactions between people, right from the moment you first meet a person, and all through the later stages of the relationship. It is important to be aware of how intimacy works, and how it is affecting your relationships with others.

Personal Experience: "Buy Me a New One", Said I

In this post I want to share a personal experience with some friends in my childhood. For some period of time in my childhood I had the problem of not being able to say "No!". And the friends that I had at the time took advantage of that as far as they could.

Of course the story does not cover every aspect of the friendship, but it does shade some light on how things were going in general. So one of the things that used to piss me off is that they would borrow stuff and never return them back. They would borrow something and promise to return it next week. A week turns into weeks, and weeks turn into months, and then they would mysteriously lose the item. And things have been like that for a few years.

At some point, I decided that enough is enough, and that things need to change. So, I stopped lending them stuff. Everytime they ask for something, I would just refuse to give it to them. However, one of my friends decided to be persistent one time. He wanted to borrow a cassette from my cassette collection, and he just won't take no for an answer. So, I finally gave it to him on the condition that he returns it a week later. A week passed and he did not return the cassette yet, so I decided to keep nagging him until he returns it. So, everytime we meet I would ask him to return the cassette, and he'd say he's not done with it, he needs another week. Same old way that it used to be. And as usual after like two months he apologizes and tells me that he lost the cassette and couldn't find it.

Of course, this was something very predictable and I had my comeback prepared. So I told him: "Okay, no problem, it happens... People lose stuff sometimes... Buy me a new one!". I could see it in his eyes, he didn't see that one coming!! I instantly went back home, and told him that next time I see him, he must have the replacement cassette. And from that day on, everytime my friends would call and ask me to play, I tell them that I won't do it until I get my cassette back.

Few weeks later, my friends decided to make some kind of intervention. They told me that they wanted to talk to me in a very urgent and persistent fashion. Basically the whole group was there to discuss why I don't go out with them anymore. I explained to them the situation, and told them that the only way that the situation could be resolved is by giving me a replacement cassette. I told them that I don't care who gets me the cassette, even if the guy who lost it refuses to buy a new one, any one of them can buy me a new one and the situation would be resolved. No-one volunteered to do that, although it was a reasonable demand since each one of them has on multiple occasions borrowed something from me and never returned it back.

Instead they apologized and made every possible accusation or argument so as not to do that. Some took the moral high-ground and claimed that ending a friendship over a cassette is wrong, because friendship transcends material possessions. Others complained that it is unfair that I punish them for someone else's mistake. Some said I am overreacting. In short, they were all ready to do anything and everything to keep the friendship, except buy me a replacement cassette!!

Needless to say, I never got my cassette back, and I never played or hung out with them ever again.

The moral of the story is not to stand up for yourself. Of course, you should stand up for yourself. And I did that, and I am happy I did. But that's not why I am telling this story. The thing is that I was not always someone who couldn't say no. Certainly not when I met those guys. Quite the opposite I used to be someone who almost never shared anything, or give anyone anything. Our friendship was not always about me being an over-sharer, at least that's not how it started.

The problem is that when I became an over-sharing person, the friendship itself changed. What started out as healthy friendship of fun and games, transformed into a bottomless desire to take and never give back. They became so used to the fact that they can take stuff and never give them back, to the point that this became something they take for granted. It became an unchangeable aspect of the friendship.

So, the point is: Be nice and generous to people, but not to the point that your niceness or generosity is the only reason they are with you. And if you see some unacceptable behavior in your relationship, deal with it promptly before it becomes a habit that is difficult to break.

PS: Inspired by this entry

The Untold Love Stories

One of my favorite songs ever, in full this time! [MP3 Download]

Matchbox 20 in "Hand me down":

Someday they'll find your small town world
On a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk
When they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell
Cuz they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie
Better than the truth
They'll tell you everything
You wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think that they would lie
When they're holding you
Then you wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You'll start to wonder
If you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think
You were born blind

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah

Oh no, no, no

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake you down to the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Lay them down on me
You're just one more hand me down
And all those nights don't give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
On me (mp3)

Practical Advice on Interpersonal Relationships

In the past, I have addressed interpersonal relationships from a theoretical standpoint. While I consider the theory of relationships to be extremely important, yet the practice of relationships is equally as important. Theoretical understanding of relationships is not complete without a practical approach that allows the theory to become reality.

This entry is part of the general theme of posts addressing open-relationships. However, the advice applies just as well for closed-relationships as it applies to open-relationships. The reason that open-relationships are not common is because people find it difficult to handle relationships effectively, and the open nature of open-relationships would put lots of stress on any shortcomings in the way relationships are being handled. Closed-relationships avoid the types of situations that would bring problems in a relationship to the surface, and downplays the significance of trust, communication, honesty, and openness. On the other hand, open-relationships require lots of trust, communication, honesty, and openness, and any shortcomings in those areas would quickly cause problems and stress in the relationship. And if those issues were not handled promptly and skillfully, the relationship would deteriorate. It is for this reason I am writing this entry to share my insights about handling such issues in practice.

The basic guidelines to the survival of relationships includes five important tenets: 1- Being realistic and grounded 2- Being attentive and appreciative 3- Openness 4- Verbal communication 5- Honesty

Allow me to elaborate on those five general guidelines:

1- Being realistic and grounded:
It is important to be in touch with reality and being able to do reality checks. Having unrealistic expectations in a relationship can cause lots of problems and stress in a relationship. Any demands or expectations should be reasonable, otherwise your partner might feel overwhelmed or unappreciated. Another aspect of this advice is being able to translate what is "intangible" into something "tangible". Relationships deal with intangible issues, and being able to translate something that is intangible into something tangible would make handling such issues much easier, and allows you to make realistic claims.

For example, how do you know that someone is interested in you? They would talk to you, pay attention to what you are saying, ask questions that allows them to know you better, return your calls. How do you know that someone misses you? They would call if some time passed without seeing you. What makes a friendship? Investing time and effort in the continuity of the relationship and making it progress and develop over time.

The point being, those associations between behaviors and what those behaviors imply create a solid foundation on which intangible claims can be verifiable. This is the foundation on which trust is established. If those associations are available to you, then next time someone makes a claim you have something to indicate whether that claim is true or not. If someone says something like: I missed you, I am your friend, I love you, ...etc you have something to refer to, and attempt to qualify the claim. You don't need to take the person's word for what they claim, but rather have an apparatus to gauge how much the claim is real. And when those claims are revealed to be backed up by behaviors that support those claims, trust can start to grow.

So what every person needs to do is to think hard and deep about reliable indicators of people's intentions, and create a mental apparatus that allows them to reliably associate behaviors with intentions, feelings, attitudes, and all of the intangible values that are important in a relationship. The person needs to have this powerful tool present in their mind so that they can use it when needed.

2- Being attentive and appreciative:
Once a person has the mental apparatus mentioned above available to them, they need to use it. They need to pay attention to the different behaviors that their partner exhibits, and try to make educated guesses about their partner. They also need to be responsive to those behaviors. For example, if someone's behavior indicates that they are interested in you, do something that shows them that you noticed their interest in you, and let them know you are interested as well. If someone's behavior indicates that they want to become good friends, acknowledge them and try to engage in friendship building activities.

In other words, be aware of what is going on in the relationship, and let the person know that you are aware of the efforts that they put in the relationship. You also need to use the behavioral association technique in both directions. That is to say, not only should you use it to attempt to interpret your partner's intentions, but also use it to show your partner your intentions towards them. If, for example, you want to show your partner that you want to establish a friendship, use the same behavioral patterns to give your partner tangible indicators about your intentions.

3,4- Openness and Verbal Communication:
When you notice an indicative behavior it is not enough to respond in a behavioral manner, a verbal response is also important. So when you see any behavior that resonate in your mind, it is a good practice to verbally let your partner know that you noticed their behavior and appreciate its significance. It is also important to let your partner know how their tangible actions translate into intangible intentionality. For example, when your partner calls after having not seen him/her in a while, it is good to say something like: "Thank you for calling because this lets me know that you are thinking of me!" This form of communication shows that you appreciate the action, and also explains why the action is significant. Moreover, it shows your partner the mental process using which you interpret their behaviors. This allows your partner to make a mental note of the behavioral associations that exist in your mind, and gives them an idea of how you interpret them and their behaviors.

It is important to let your partner know the behavioral connotations that you have. Both positive and negative connotations. So, if your partner behaves in a way that has positive connotations to you, let them know about it. Same applies when your partner behaves in a way that you perceive to have negative connotations. For example, if your partner makes an important decision without consulting you, it is a good idea to say something like: "I feel that being excluded in the decision making process on this issue indicates that you put your needs ahead of mine! This is why your behavior makes me feel neglected!" Or, if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as they used to, you can say something like: "The time we spend together is the most important resource for the continuity of the relationship. I feel that if we don't spend more time together the relationship would deteriorate."

When communicating with your partner, it is important to address feelings, emotions, desires, and perceptions. This is because those intangibles are the heart of the relationship, and they are what matters the most. However, those discussions need to be grounded, tangible, and accessible in order to be effective. Otherwise, frustration, disappointment, and even resentment might enter the equation. For example, if one partner says to the other: "I feel that you don't love me anymore!" This statement describes some feelings, however, it does not provide justification for those feelings, nor does it provide any indication of how the situation can be resolved. In this case, the accused partner will feel frustration because they would think: "How the hell am I supposed to show or prove that I still love him/her?!" This is because emotions are intangible, and in the absence of a method to ground those emotions to something tangible the situation would be difficult to resolve. Another possibility is that the accused partner would feel unappreciated because they might think: "I did 1,2,3... I cannot believe he/she does not acknowledge my contribution to the relationship!" And those feelings of being unappreciated might escalate to feelings of resentment. A third possibility is that the accused partner would address the issue and modify his/her behavior. However, this third possibility runs the risk that the behavioral changes do not match what the accuser had in mind, leading to disappointment to be experienced by both partners because they could not resolve the situation.

People do not always agree on the significance of actions, and what those actions indicate. Other times people are not aware of their behaviors and how others interpret and react to their actions. It is for those reasons that it is important for partners discuss in an open and clear manner their expectations and perceptions and voice out their concerns. They also need to discuss the why and how those behavioral associations came to be, because when partners don't agree on what actions translate to, they need to address the mental process using which the translation is justified.

5- Honesty:
Honesty is the basis of intimacy and trust. Sharing information about oneself is how intimacy is cultivated. Getting to know one another creates familiarity and understanding. It is also the process through which trust is founded. Being honest all the time is a difficult task, and requires lots of practice until you can master this essential skill. However, as long as the people in the relationship do not engage in this practice, the relationship cannot grow and will get stuck at some level without any possibility of improvement.

The most difficult part of honesty is knowing the truth. If you do not know the truth, you cannot possibly tell anyone the truth, simply because you cannot speak of what does not exist in your mind. It is for this reason, the first step of honesty is being self-aware. Ask yourself difficult questions, and don't feel threatened by your own thoughts. After all, your thoughts are private and no one can read your thoughts. So, the first step is being honest with oneself. After you understand the truth, you should be aware of your lies. It is difficult to be honest right away, but it is important that you be aware of the information that you reveal about yourself and the accuracy of those information. The third step is to devise proper circumstances to disclose the truth. Understand why you feel the need to lie about yourself to others, then make sure that you are comfortable with who you are, then disclose information about yourself to people you feel comfortable with in non-threatening situations. Finally, after having practiced disclosing information about yourself in comfortable circumstances, you should be able to move to the final stage of disclosing the truth under all circumstances.

Honesty can dramatically improve the quality of relationships, so it would payoff to establish honesty as a norm in all of your intimate relationships. It is important to note that honesty does not only imply telling the truth, but also volunteering the truth. Lies of omission or simply not stating something because nobody asked about it is a form of dishonesty. Honesty involves desire to disclose information, not only truthfulness of disclosed information.

Can You Love More Than One Person At The Same Time?

Is it possible that humans experience love towards more than one person at the same time? It is an interesting question to ponder.

To answer this question, another question needs to be answered: Is it possible to love more than one person at different times? In other words, is love a once in a lifetime experience or something that can happen more than once?

I think that most people would agree that it is possible to love different people at different times. Love can happen again. It would be depressing to think that if you loved a person, then for whatever reason that person is no more in your life that you are not going to experience love ever again. But it is not only depressing but also unrealistic to believe that.

So now lets consider a hypothetical scenario where a person loved more than one person at different times:

Let's say it was a girl who met her first boyfriend in high school. They loved each other, they were fond of each other. Unfortunately life happens, and her boyfriend's family moved to another country and her boyfriend had to move with them. Few years later, she was in university, she met a gorgeous guy, and one thing lead to another they were madly in love. The years go by, and life happens once again. Couple of years later, she meets yet another lovely guy they have so much in common, and right now she is happily engaged to the guy.

It is reasonable to believe that the girl in our scenario had sincere feeling towards all three guys. And it is imaginable that those sincere feelings are all instances of love.

So now, let's imagine a different storyline about those same people, but that they were all classmates in high school. Now, from the previous storyline we know that the girl is capable of having sincere feelings of love towards all three guys. However, the dilemma lies in the fact that she met them all at the same time.

So the question now is: Could she possibly love two or all three of those guys at the same time? Does love transcend the limits of time? Or is she destined to love only one of them?