Girl: I think the worse mistake a guy might commit is to suggest love to a female friend of his!
Me: Why?!
Girl: Many people confuse getting used to someone with loving them. Its normal that if you spend a long period of time with someone you start feeling close to them: This closeness is not love...
Me: So you are suggesting that if a guy and girl are casual friends they should never become romantic companions?!
Girl: Pretty much! Those who do so usually confuse closeness with love!
Me: I disagree... As opposed to what you suggest I guess relationships advance and morph through time! I think its almost impossible for a healthy relationship to jump right away to the love phase before a relaxed friendship phase...
Girl: That's a mess you will never want to go throught!! Friendship and romance are better not be mixed up!
As has been suggested before I am pro open relationships! Not many people understand the true meaning of being an open relationist... Generally, open relationists have a blur line between different types of relationships: That's to say open relationists don't make formal differentiation between: A friend, a romantic companion, a one-nighter, a fuck buddy, a soul-mate, a spouse, or whatever of the numerous categorizations other people make; Rather they view all those as interpersonal relationships and being such its really hard to draw any lines (not all open relationists submit to this description - but personally, I do agree to some extent)!!
Having such blur lines and with my unconventional view of relationships, I have been at times challenged with similar views as above that thrive on the distinctions between friendship and romantic companionship....
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8 comments:
"Those who do so usually confuse closeness with love! (...) Many people confuse getting used to someone with loving them. Its normal that if you spend a long period of time with someone you start feeling close to them: This closeness is not love."
I agree. But I would say it's not because love and closeness are two different things, but because they're really only one thing, and that's closeness.
Love is a prettier name for it.
For most people, closeness with one person- labelled "love"- makes them force limitations and other labels on that which they share with other people. These distinctions are not "real" or intrinsic... they're more like external tags, for the purpose of protecting and securing the system of relationships. They can never be quite decisive, because in reality, closeness is all there is. (Think "human being". "Brother", "sister", "friend", "lover"... etc, are human-created tags.) Some people need these distinctions to be there. Without them, life as we know it and have learned to know it would definitely be a big mess.
However, when you allow all external limitations to disappear, the labels would melt along (Which is how it happens in open relationships, i would assume?)
there should be flexibility, some relationships are meant to be freindships, no matter how close the partners feel because many can feel close, their closeness doesn't define love. It's like suggesting that a girl and guy could never be best friends!
still some other friendships should and could turn into love, it depends.
people should simply figure what they want, then decide. There should be no rule.
i so agree with the girls including the one in the post, maybe love doesnt just happen between people, but there would be some chemistry, tension, giving impression, "togol", but if these people feel relaxed with each other rather than tensed (ya3ni become friends), then forget it, no way they would become romantically involved, even if they did, it would be awkward u know, as after laughing with each other now stare at each other with love, dude it's like watching 2 siblings make out together(though its not as worse) :)
The problem is that many relationships are based on roles! A casual friend is supposed to be have in a certain way, while a boyfriend is supposed to behave in another way, and a spouse in yet different way,, etc etc!! Additionally, much of the time feeling follow the role rather than the role follows the feeling, so for example you find many relationships that are based on the baseless assumption that the two people involved are in love then take it from there and they work hard to make it work!
"However, when you allow all external limitations to disappear, the labels would melt along" - This seems to me a favorable and doable situation; And yes, this is part of what open relationships tries to achieve...
"people should simply figure what they want, then decide. There should be no rule." - This is basically it, if all people just do that most things would work out all so smoothly!!
"dude it's like watching 2 siblings make out together(though its not as worse)" - Dude, if it was just about watching its fine, I like incest porn! :P ;)
But seriously, what i am saying is not pushing one's way to an akward situation, but rather as lubna suggested figuring out what you want from that relationship regardless of what that relationship is called, or what your role in that relationship mandates you to act... But sure there are no grantees that you wouldnt mess up everything :S
there is something.
a relationship no matter what kind it was needs a base and has also a time base, it is naturally defined at the very early stages.
there are things that die with time, the right timing to move from one phase to another, timing is a key..otherwise it causes destruction, really ,,,once you move you cant go back.
you can't be friends with someone, for lets say one year, secretly liking that person, saying you are just friends, then moving to being romantic companions after making him/her a habit. WRONG!!
it could only work in one case, that both did like each other and didn't reveal how they felt. but my question is why now? why have not you done that a year ago??! does it really take that long time to realise that you are in love with a person?? no,, someone was not true when he/she said that they are only friends!
if you like a person, your base is not friends, the click should be clear and evident, you will go into the phase where you want to know him/her better,but you are not sure whether they are the whom you want to be with, so you say we are friends.
the "we learn more about each other" should not last for years as friends!!!
every relation has to develop ,, there are people who take it slow, it will be more passionate but i cant predict.
but i would tell you that people who are friends who turn to love each other they are really luckyy, very rare successful cases, its not impossible.. some people believe that this is the way, i used to think so,, but now i don't anymore.
you know love truely is a habit in a way, well, after being with someone for a while. you start as lovers, adding to it through time the sincere close friend,
Good arguments Tala, some of which i agree with others that i dont...
It is very true that the early stages of any relationship is the greatest period that affects the ongoing and thus shaping the relationship later on...
Now i think you kinda misinterpret what I am talking about in your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs: Its not about hiding one's feeling and disguise them as something else, rather that its is natural that a person may not feel love for another right away; It needs sometime for emotions to develop! Love could possibly be view as a late stage of friendship (i do see it that way, which comes as questionable claim to many)!
"Does it really take that long time to realise that you are in love with a person??" - As i said, its not exactly about realizing things.. its more about feeling them! Personally, I can realise that I can possibly like someone after two or three weeks, but actually liking them six or seven monthes later! Surely, this is a personal thing as different people have different paces, but what i am trying to say is that it is possible that someone geniuenly feels more involved with another over time!!
"the "we learn more about each other" should not last for years as friends!!!" - I disagree: such phase -i think- needs from two to four years! Sure this remains shaky depending on the individuals involved....
"some people believe that this is the way, i used to think so,, but now i don't anymore." - Could you elaborate more on what made you change ur mind? Was it bad experiences? Or that you grew up and knew better? Maybe a combination of both or neither... Please elaborate!
if you have asked this question 2 years ago i would have answered that the most essential thing is to be friends in the first place who clicked at some point,have an understanding to how their partnership is going to be like and have feelings for each other, and this ship has to sail.. well everyone needs to study the other part before you move to a higher level..
what i am talking about is the study period, when should you go through it?? well, there are people who dont move to a higher level untill they are at ease with the other part. (i would say self assured to move on) i.e made them a habit and got used to them and having them in your life. but is this thing right when you have not revealed for the other part that you like them, are not you hurting yourself in a way?? suppose they dont have the same feelings, suppose that the time made them forget the first click their feelings just cooled off..
because at some stage their should be an upgrade. its a relationship. friendship is more of a steady like nature..
thats why when i said that the click and the base should be clear, because i believe that learning more about your partner should come after the click, it would take you weeks to ask them out, then as your relation grows, you strengthen it with time and with mutual understanding.. remember it takes two to tango. your partner should upgrade and move at the same pace as yours, and should know where you stand emotionally from them.
but whether two freinds can end up together, its possible, the otherday i was invited to a wedding of two who were in one group at colleage who got married after being friends for seven years having no idea that they will be together untill last summer. they were very close before and turned out to find what they want in each other. you cant really separate closeness from love
I see that we now almost agree completely: but whether two freinds can end up together, its possible - agreed
and should know where you stand emotionally from them. - also agreed
Notice that I am only saying that there is nothing wrong for a friendship to advance as long as that goes with the emotional state of the partners; Disguising love as a friendship (in casual terms, since i disagree on the formal distiction of the two) isnt a good thing, because any relationship survives on the transperency and integrity of emotions and feelings discussed by those partners, and such misrepresentation can be fatal to that relationship...
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