Sunday, January 06, 2008

Lack of Motivation

Everyone of us has a load of things on their daily schedule.... The question is whether those things are for our own amusement or simply things you have to do, you don't know another way to go without doing them!! (Almost) Every other fucking day, I have to wake up to go university... Thats one thing that I have to do everytime whether I like it or not... The question is, WHY?!

Most students as I am have university take up a large part of their time... Its a no joke, its lots of time... And to think that someone is taking the effort to do something so often, you would think: They must have a damn good reason to pay all that effort! We all are full of shit about how much our "future" depends on this... But what the hell is this future really is?! Seriously! I am god damned 22 years old, and still have no idea what this "future" is!!

Future, what an absurd word.... But the question is, what kind of future am I expecting?! I have to admit it, I am clueless! Someone would be a smartass and point out: Your future as an engineer! Thats fucking stupid... A job is not my future... My job is how I "make a living"... Sure "making a living" is supposed to mean how I make money! So we go to work to support our living... But its not "living"!! Its just something you need to do, to keep up living...

So our future is not synonymous with what we do for a living....

So I am working to be proficient in something that I can use to keep on living... I am going to be an engineer, but for what?! I honestly fail to see something worth fighting for... I am going through everyday trying not to feel bad... It just doesn't seem to pay off!!

No Motive, thats what I feel everyday... When I wake up, I tell myself: "Today I am waking up, going to university, attending lectures, and working hard because....", and then I simply can't finish the sentence...

The consequences are obvious... In one subject, we had 20 marks for 10 homeworks, and how many homeworks did I deliver? One. Another subject with a project as a group, how much was I useful? Negative, I actually blew up the things when I worked on it. And today morning, I had a final exam, and what happened? I didn't go to it. And why is that? Because I forgot that I even had an exam! And what did I do? I called a friend, got out and had a few smokes...

I know that alcohol costs money, but I don't need a fucking degree in Computer Engineering if all I was going to do is get drunk until I pass out!! And the shit is, I don't see anything more interesting that I can do with my life...

9 comments:

No_Angel said...

Who said that Uni should take up so much time or that you have to go to Uni in the first place. the whole point of Uni is to gain the degree since really it just serves as a go to start ticket and short cut.
you obviously hate what your studying, i did too... but i was at a point were i realized that it is mostly irrelevant in deciding what am going to do for the rest of my life so i took and focused on what i liked about it and augmented it with other materials to figure out what i might like to do for a living rather than what i can do to live (even though i haven't really pin pointed it yet)

so you can go and waste away since no one is providing you with answers to your questions or you can accept things for what they are and drone away. The last option is to actually go about and find your own answers
goodluck & WB

Thunder said...

Thats one thing that I have to do everytime whether I like it or not... The question is, WHY?!

remember this:
i asked you for best moments of 2006, you said:
After every full-mark I get at uni as it re-enforces my arrogance :P !!

remember all those writings:
http://zeidspex.blogspot.com/search/label/Academic

remeber this week:
http://zeidspex.blogspot.com/2005/12/stressful-week-delivering-final.html

what about this?
who would start programming computer at age of 11? who would get 100/100 in physics in university without even giving a dime? who finds that mathematics is only a matter of 'common sense'? who would solve an exam in less than half the time set for it and get it all right?

is this a person who doesn't like what he does?? who doesn't have a goal? who doesn't enjoy his work?
for the longest part of everything you did, you produced something new and you didnt copy others which is brilliant and you know that. just understand that ma ra7 3aleik ishi, sadde2ni!

i think whats going with you, is what happens to almost all engineering students at 3rd, 4th year, they get bored! a high workload for three years and they still cant see themselves as working engineers coz we are not industrial or advanced country so there isn't much thrill in engineering here.

you didnt reach the point where all this would pay you off. and you've been working hard and its so stupid to waste it now. all the above a collection of 22 years of hard work, it will have a hand in shaping the absurd word of future very soon.

all what you did Zaid is an achievement so far, so ma tinhabel 3ala akher saneh!

another thing, you dont have responsibilities or commitments to anything or others now, enjoy it while you can, you are free.. but what is required from you in this phase is to study and pass and you are doing well.

the word future is not how you make a living, this is true, its living itself and part of living is your career and the how your career makes you feel about yourself,, it is overrated, but it is as simple as it needs some planning. insa il future w rakkez bi droosak w s7abak.

ba3dain smoking Zaid?!!!! jdeedeh hai. you knw this is something hard to get rid of when you decide to quit dont you?!

life is not dull and useless. im sure there are many things you are curious about and you want to experience, so ask yourself what you wanna fill up your free time with and go find out how you can do that and enjoy it.

kinzi said...

Hang in there DM. It isn't easy, but it's a season that will pass. Give it your best. I'll pray for better days ahead.

Nichola said...

Life, existence even, has no (apparent) purpose whatsoever.. There is no reason for you being here in the first place, let alone for why you are studying. When you realize how meaningless existence really is, it is then your choice to attach any meaning you want to it. If you want your work and your existence to be remembered, you have to go through this stage and get a degree for example.. But not even necessarily.. You can choose to do whatever you want.. You are free because, after all, all things are random and un-justified, and people end up seeking careers and degrees to escape this nothingness. But you have to take responsibility for what you end up choosing. You don’t have to do this. But it has been proven to be handy in the ‘future’ as a means of leaving your print on this absurd existence. It is completely up to you.

Forgive me, I couldn’t help myself :p I just finished reading Sartre’s 'Nausea'!

Nichola

Devil's Mind said...

First, I didn't say that I didn't enjoy Computer Engineering. But what I am asking is what other reason than enjoying it do I have? If I was doing it merely for enjoyment, I can study computer science at home and not bother with a degree at all, because after all it would be for my enjoyment and no-one else's.

If I was doing it for enjoyment I don't have to go for exams. I would study the computer science whenever I want, however I want, wherever I want. Obviously I am doing more work than "just-for-fun knowledge"!

Nichola, all you are saying is true. I have tried to give meaning to things that are meaningless, but it just doesn't work, because the true nature just reveals itself and imposes itself. One can't just ignore the obvious for so long.

But here I am talking at a shallower level. I am not looking for "real value", just something I might like... Something to enjoy wasting my life with... Even that seems like too much to ask!

I am Glad that Tala, you remembered all those things I said, and they are true... I didn't forget them either... But the price (work I have to do) just isn't right!

"you didnt reach the point where all this would pay you off." - I know, but when I get there I have no idea what to expect. When the time comes what is it that I will get? The problem is, I am not even expecting anything of any real value. And here I am talking about other aspects of life, not the career life.

Whats the point of making money like bill-gates if I don't want anything they get me? If I can't find anything worth buying!

"so you can go and waste away since no one is providing you with answers to your questions or you can accept things for what they are and drone away. The last option is to actually go about and find your own answers" - Very interesting insight. I am trying to go with the last option. This entry simply documents some of my thoughts while doing so, although to the most part it is failing constantly due to constraints imposed externally. Forces that makes it hard to get out of the line...

NoAngel you have hit the heart of this entry. Although I was ranting, I did NOT put this entry on this blog to mourn the pointlessness of life. I have put it here to say that I was thinking about those things, to inspire others to maybe reconsider their life, and ask questions that we are afraid to ask.

The Observer said...

I guess it is the fault of our education system. The materials are just too rigid and the teaching methods lack of creativity and enthusiasm. Neverthusless work owners need a proof for your knowledge of a certain subject, and while a certificate cannot always prove you being adequate for a certain job, it is what they have as the easiest tool of measurment. A person with a certification in a certain subject is more likely to know about it than someone who doesnt have to.

And you eventually have to work and support yourself, right?

If you dont have big dreams in engineering, why dont yuo build one? maybe in other things? you can always improve things, and we people always have a passion for a thing. Try to search for it, and let it guide you.

Devil's Mind said...

Thats right Observer. The Education System need to provide more immediate and obvious outcomes.

If this was satisfied, I bet and an increase in grades would follow. Students from all the levels, be them A-students or F-students, will have a better idea of the importance of their education, and as a result would be willing to make an extra effort in the process.

Israa said...

I miss being like this...I wish I could for ever be stuck at such an attitude and never really grow up to accept life with its responsibilities !

Devil's Mind said...

Well, you probably can get back to that attitude if you truly want to :)