Saturday, May 14, 2011

Question For Readers

Which scenario makes more sense to you? Which scenario you think you most likely engage in practice?

1- Loving someone, and building a relationship with them using that love as a solid foundation for the relationship.


2- Having a relationship with someone, and building the love on the solid foundation of the relationship.

Please share your thoughts. I am hoping that this question will trigger some sort of discussion.


Rain said...


Love,rush,lust and all of that fades away,you can't trust it cause you might lose it half way

Respect,understanding trust and honesty remain,and they create love;true love in my opinion

yosef said...

السيناريو الاول
كيف من الممكن ان تقيم قاعدة واسساسات صلبة من العلاقة بعد ان تحب...!!! صعب لانك بعد ان تحب تتحكم مشاعرك وقلبك في تقييم كل الامور فيصبح من الصعب ايجاد الاساسات الصلبة لان الحب قوة وضعف في وقت واحد
السيناريو الثاني
اصعب كثير من الاول فالحب لا ينتج عن مخطط لبناء حب طوبة طوبة وخطوة خطوة

الحب قدر وعاصفة عندما تهاجمنا لا ينفع معه لا السيناريو الاول ولا الثاني علينا فقط ان نعيش لحظتها ونستمتع به دون التفكير باكثر من تلك اللحظات

Devil's Mind said...

Translation of yosef's comment:

The first scenario
How is it possible to establish a solid base and foundation for the relationship after you love ...!!! That's difficult because after you love, your feelings and your heart controls the evaluation of all the things, and so it becomes difficult to find a solid foundation because love is strength and weakness at the same time.

The second scenario
A lot tougher than the first scenario, since love is not the result of a plan to build love brick by brick or step by step

Love is fate and a storm when it hits us. Neither the first nor the second scenario work. We have to just live for the moment and enjoy it without thinking of anything more than those moments.

Aseel said...

This is a relative question... depends on many variables like that someone (characteristics) and the things you two have in common, not just the love you have for each other..

it also depends, on whether you a rational or an emotional person..

For me, as a rational person, i would choose the first option simply because I know i dont fall that easily in love and definitely wouldnt love someone I cant build a solid relationship with..

we all prefer to play it safe, but at the end you never know the circumstances you end up with

Devil's Mind said...

Interesting opinions. I find that I mostly agree with Rain's view. That love is a product of respect, understanding, trust and honesty. And that those qualities are cultivated through healthy relationships.

In regards to Yosef's comment on the second scenario, that love is not a result of a plan. I both agree and disagree depending on what is exactly meant by "planning". I disagree with the view that love happens out of the blue. Rather that love grows, and it grows because of the different experiences that we as human beings share together.

In that sense, love is built brick by brick, so to speak. And this process has numerous spontaneous elements. But there is the element of "conscious effort". I wouldn't call it "planning" per say, but a mental effort is necessary.

For example, a simple gesture like cleaning the dishes after a meal, can enhance the emotional experience. Such a gesture requires deliberate action and conscious effort, and it symbolizes and expresses desire to introduce balance and respect in the relationship; Ultimately, all of the different gestures are little bricks in the grand picture.

I agree that both life and love need to be experienced through the moment of now. But this does not mean that there should be no regard to context or short/long-term planning.

Aseel, I got a question: How would you know that you can build a solid relationship with someone, prior to being in a relationship with them?

Aseel said...

i dont know, being friends and taking time to know each others before thinking of the possibility of a relationship.

Respect, understanding, honesty, and good communications are basic requirements in any relationship, not just romantic relationships. But its easier to demand these requirements in a non-romantic relationship because you are not that attached and still didnt develop that fear of losing that person if these requirements weren't met.

its not an easy question... But I'd prefer be in a relationship with someone who was a friend that i love and who is easy to talk to than being forced to pretend to love someone on the hope that someday it will grow to become a solid relationship. what if there was never a spark?

Loving someone instantly or from the first sight and trying to build a relationship with may not always turn right. You may find yourself compromising too often and giving up too much too early because, well, love leaves us powerless with this constant desire to please that person. it may not be like this; it may turn out right.

but as i said before, we all prefer to play it safe or hope for "a less dramatic fall in love", but at the end you never know the circumstances you end up with.. like, I may love a friend but i know it will never work for whatever reason. Would I try to make it work? or would I keep that love to myself in order to keep that friendship? Personally I dont know what I'd do. depends on the circumstances.. Do you get my point of view?

Devil's Mind said...

I think that there is some misinterpretation of the question I posted in this entry. Albeit, I deliberately made the question vague to allow for different interpretations.

However, the interpretation that I personally ascribe to the second scenario is not having a "romantic" or "committed" relationships prior to love. But a relationship in the general sense, which includes among other things friendship.

"But I'd prefer be in a relationship with someone who was a friend that i love and who is easy to talk to than being forced to pretend to love someone on the hope that someday it will grow to become a solid relationship." - Scenario 2 does not imply pretending, nor does it imply secretly or openly hoping for the relationship to grow or become something else. However, the scenario you mention as favorable (ie. a relationship with a friend you love), is in my interpretation an example of scenario 2.

There is one thing that you mention that I find troubling: "love leaves us powerless with this constant desire to please that person" - I think that love does quite the opposite! Love empowers, and allows us to be more willing to express our opinions and demands. If you met someone five minutes ago, and you mention something they don't like or agree with, they would simply walk away and not look back because there are no stakes. But when you know that someone loves you, then you'd be more open to express opinions or make demands, because the connection you both have, warrants exercise of patience and understanding.

Being reserved in stating your opinions and desires, in my opinion, is a sign of unhealthy relationship and is not a product of love, but rather lack of it. [Or maybe asymmetry in love, in the sense of believing that you love a person more than they love you, and hence feel the need to make asymmetric sacrifices in the relationship]

Aseel said...

interesting and true, but that doesn't mean that what I said about love, that it leaves you powerless, is false.

when we are in love we do tend to please the other person as a sign of our affection. like letting your guards down and giving control to the other person. powerless doesnt mean "ok, he can get away with everything or anything because i love him and dont wanna lose that person" of course this isnt healthy. but the powerlessness im talking about is letting your guards down and sharing more information and details about yourself that you do not usually share, not planning for anything until you hear the opinions of that other person or changing your plans because that person cannot fit with your plans prior meeting him/her. This is a sign of giving power to the other person willingly kaman. if you were not in love with a person, you would never change your life path for them and still hold the power of sticking to your plans in life. that is the power i meant. and when you are in love, you just have To give some of this power to the other person. mmmm, maybe, the idea that "two people are more powerful than one person" makes you think you are empowered. i dont know really; never thought of it this way but could be true.

love isn't that fancy all the time and its different with each couple. trust me i have met many weird insanely in love couples or weird well calculated couples or just couples that seem to never share any interests at all who constantly fight over everything and nothing. just because a couple prefers one option over the other doesnt mean they are wrong or right. it just means they are on the same page when it comes to their definitions and expectations about love :)

we all have fancy dreams about how we become involved in a relationship, but in the end you never know what situations or events you end up dealing with.

Devil's Mind said...

I guess we have some conceptual differences. What you describe as powerlessness, I would call it strength.

Letting you guard down is a sign of weakness?! Sharing information about the self is a sign of weakness?! Quite the opposite!

Only a strong and confident person would let his/her guards down and share information about themselves.

And as far as letting go of control and allowing your partner to affect your life; That's a sign of maturity and caring. Roughly speaking, people who need to control every aspect of their life do so because they feel insecure, and incapable of handling the unexpected.

But yes, in general I agree with what you are saying, except for the conceptual differences about what some actions signify.

Aseel said...

being totally independent and becoming familiar and attached to it can make you think you have so many things at stake if you get in a relationship I'm not going to hide this about myself.. But a person learns to let go bit by bit.. ya3ne mnee7 menne elle admitting this fact LOL! but to be honest this conversation made me realize many things i used to look at differently! that was an eye openning! thanks..

Devil's Mind said...

Life is a journey of self-improvement. And I blog for that purpose. Glad to be of service :)

Doomish said...

its a relative thing, mostly depends on age group in my opinion

Generally speaking i think that teens would take option 1, while uni students would mostly have a mix of 1 and 2, while those above 22 and in the work force would go for 2.

I have tasted both, and i cant really give a definitive answer, though i tend to lean to number 2, though im in the pre teen category and mainly interested in football and pissing girls off.